someday..

–i will wear pencil skirts from jcrew.

–i will be an on-air reporter.

–i will have a whole room in my house dedicated to books.

–i will be a teacher.

–i will beat someone at words with friends.

–i will run a half marathon.

–i will visit thailand.

–i will go a whole day without eating sweets.

–i will delete my facebook.

–i will sit through all four session of conference without falling asleep or daydreaming.

3/25.

i had a fabulous weekend, thanks for asking!

1) Jordan and I showed that HUGE Zupas meal who’s boss! And by “Jordan and I” i mean “me”. I downed a BBQ chicken salad, a TBA sandwich, a chunk of that heavenly, chewy, zupas bread, my chocolate covered strawberry and a million dollar bar. Ta daaaaa! (I would also like credit for the 2 packages of saltine crackers as well.) He ate…….(wait for it)….a sandwich. (It was a let down for me, too.)

2) On our way to my friend’s apartment complex, Amanda, Cassidy, and I saw some guys jumping their bikes. We went to explore and make new friends–these guys had built their own course for BMXing in this old ditch! They called it “the basement”. They were hil-arious–Provo punks are hard to find. This picture was taken previous to making those friendships.

3) Oh yeah…the tool bag mirror picture with your girlfriend doing her hair. (usually the scenario is sans ‘doing her hair’) Look closely, does it look like im prego? Yep, i’m not.

4) Friday night (previous to BMX friends but following the mirror picture) Jordan and I explored BYU campus. Among this exploration was the basement of the library…where we decided, okay..I decided we should do yoga. What did we learn? Jordan is not very flexible. Sorry, babe. But our chest bumps are epic.

5-8) FESTIVAL OF COLORS! It’s a little over-advertised, but it’s so fun! This year, we missed this initial chalk throwing–but that did not hinder our ability to get totally covered. (seriously, my boogers and earwax are still rainbow colored.) There are these weird middle-eastern bands that totally rock out after the chalk through, and although im pretty sure its sac-relig, we danced and chanted and got high from all of the incense on stage. wooohooo!

NOT PICTURED: Hunger Games premiere. Team Gale. That’s allll I have to say.

not so seamless.

relationships are the backbone of our existence here on earth–to learn to love, be selfless, and help each other reach for unlimited potential. some relationships are permanent, and some are short and full of learning. i truly believe that every human interaction we have, be it positive or not, benefits us. even if we don’t end up loving the person, we have learned about another attitude, another reaction, and how to handle ourselves better in every situation.

it is ultimately natural for each person to find a companion–gravitate towards one person that they will spend their lives with.  i never gave this relationship much though, as i always thought it was faaaaaaar off in the distance for me. but here it is, thrust in to my life. it is wonderful, and it is peaceful. but it is

HARD.

oh, it is hard. thinking of someone else when you make a decision is hard. so is accommodating not only their schedule but their personality, likes/dislikes, family, being the bigger person when you are not getting along, trying to sacrifice enough but still be yourself, and balance it out with other relationships that are different, but still important.

everyone needs to be independent–but everyone needs to be needed. this is particularly hard for me. i love the people in my life–but i prefer to do things on my own, and then have friends/boyfriends ADD to my life. unfortunately, this is not how it works. to learn to rely on someone–to really give a part of yourself to them is hard, but it is rewarding.

you need to attach yourself to people, but you need to pace yourself. trust develops over time and after experience. i need to be patient with myself, but i need to push myself, too.

it is horribly frustrating sometimes–but just as is everything else in this life, it won’t be of value if it does not require effort.

ranting.

“Nothing great in this world has ever been achieved without passion.” –I believe that this quote is not gender specific.

I grew up with the dream of growing up and being a news reporter. I have spent a lot of time, effort, jobs, internships, and classes working towards this goal. I think it is a noble thing. And regardless of circumstance, I don’t think it is wrong for me to do everything in my power to reach this goal.

I understand that there are other things, of great importance in this life. I always take that into consideration–and my family, school, church callings, and friendships have never suffered, to my knowledge, because of this drive, this passion, and these goals.

Ultimately, the goal of this career is self fulfillment. Knowing that I did everything in my power to help as many people as I could during my time as a news reporter. To bring attention to issues that need light shed on them, and to know that I pursued my dream as far as I could, until something became more important.

My ultimate goal is not to someday provide for a family. I don’t think this makes my education or career goals less important than someone who DOES have that as an end goal. Perhaps the reason for my experience, the drive behind what I do is different. But that’s it–different. Not lesser.

People, this is not the 1950′s! It is common knowledge that women are capable of working, and they should be respected should they make the decision to do so. Traditionally, men are to be the breadwinners–the providers. I think that’s a good thing, but not when it comes as an expense to what the woman wants to do.

I know that every girl is different. Not every girl needs to have a strong conviction regarding a career, or want to work. And not every girl needs to. There are plenty of girls who would be happy to stay home with children and be a wife, right now and forever. If a boy wants that, great. Go to BYU.

I am not less mature, less developed, or selfish because I feel like there is something more for my life than raising kids. When that day arrives, being a mother will be most important to me. I know that I will do everything in my power to be present in my kid’s lives and teach them all that I can.  But I’m not married, pregnant, or trying. So for now, broadcasting can be my number one priority. Guilt-free.

words that don’t exist in the english language.

mccall.

My family and I headed to McCall, Idaho last weekend for the Winter Festival–which included ice sculptures, concerts with anti-Mormon paraphernalia, and an open street market. Cascade lake is gorgeous! Sometimes the beauty that I am surrounded by is overwhelming.

We stayed at a cabin that is 7894512 nicer than our house–where we played games, made food, watched basketball (the TV legitimately rises OUT of the coffee table. hello cool), i learned how talented i am at the game of pool, and marinated in the hot tub.

the second day up there, we cross country skied at the golf course behind the cabin. ashlyn and i forged a new trail to make it there, and just before we climbed the fence, she sank into waist deep snow. soaked to the core, she carried on. to make matters worse, i’m pretty sure she fell close to 6,000 times. (if you don’t have the balance, you just don’t have it.) but watching ashlyn scoot along on her soaking wet bum, skis in the air, was the highlight of the whole trip.

peace.

i stare at my little sister. not in a creepy way, although she doesn’t know i’m here. i observe. i observe because i think in reflecting, in watching her curl her hair, that i will find a sliver of peace. and i do. for a moment, calm and serenity close the space between her and i.

the edges of this peace are blurred, like the edge of a flame, how it distorts the picture with heat. but the peace is there, i feel it, and i think my love for her is the source.

but soon, it is not enough. like the flame, the peace dissapates–quick like and graceful. as i ponder though, the peace didn’t really so much exist as i made it leave. or stopped noticing it.

she is curling her hair wrong and i am standing in my bedroom, still, not doing anything. that must be why the peace left, because i’m dormant. so i wander, searching aimlessly, until i realize what i’m searching for is another source of peace. and then it hits me.

i walked away from it. i don’t want it, or rather, don’t know how to accept it. and then since realizing is not helping me gain peace, i move on. i stop thining about what is going on inside and direct my efforts out.

but i can enjoy that moment of peace and have it to remember. it’s mine.

these are a few of my favorite things..

 

1. When my friends come to visit! Nothing beats staying up late cuddling on an air matress, re-hashing the most hilarious nights that we had together, seeing them grow and become the futures we used to talk about. Deep talks in the car, the fact that they sat in the FRONT ROW for me to give my talk in church. Hugging them hello & hugging them goodbye.

2. Boise sunrises. The way the sun comes up over the exposed horizon–no mountains or even hills to hinder it. The reddish orange that lights up everything from that bare horizon up. The view my upstairs rec room floor to ceiling windows gives.

3. Snow days! Okay, this was actually fake snow. But watching my dad come speeding down the mountain on a tube, his coat flying behind him, his head looking the size of a peanut because of his face mask, is a sight that i never want to forget. Niether is the sight of Mia, falling into the other tubing lane, holding on to us by one hand, and doing that “i’m laughing but it sounds kind of panicked and i actually want to scream” noise.

4. Stastny. Cheek kisses, 4 hour phone calls, wrestling, him talking about his mission, the fact that he is tone deaf but still loves to sing, when he laughs at almost everything I say.

5. LUKE! He loves to lick my face and make spit bubbles. I’m also very sure that if he really wanted to, he could take me down. But the spirit this boy brings (okay…AND the entertainment) is unparalleled! He can’t talk but he communicates flawlessly. He makes me laugh from the inside.

uh oh..

recapping 2011.

in 2011 i rode my first mechanical bull, attended ke$ha and u2 in concert, made my first trip to NYC, went out to DC with my family, rode a motorcycle for the first time, did humanitarian work in mexico, was the first of my family to brave a four wheeler after rod’s accident, watched my best friend get married, attended my first BSU game, got a job at KUTA as an anchor and reporter, ran several races, moved to idaho, got a job at scentsy doing video and pr, and made a spontaneous, 24 hour trip to las vegas with my friends.

more importanly, though, i learned to attatch myself to people. i mended long broken relationships with family members. i faced rejections and dissapointment, and i rose above. i learned to trust in the Lord and His plan for me. i tapped into the passion i have for life and all of the components it entails. i worked hard, and i played hard, too. i learned to be happy no matter my circumstance, and i let myself fall into risk.

in 2012, i will:

write more thank you notes, stop regretting past mistakes, be present and live in the moment, persue my education with all of my will, be more organized, participate in a sprint triathalon, take more pictures and appreciate His creations on a daily basis, and take more risks.

i have a good feeling about you, 2012